Sometimes nothing is funnier than funny marriage quotes. Married life has its own humor, jokes, and amusing stories. Here you can find top funny quotes and sayings about marriage, family, parents, children, and men and women.
So enjoy these new, free funny marriage quotes…
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
— Shelley Winters
When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.
— Burt Reynolds
Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.
— Gloria Steinem
The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more.
— Colleen McCullough
“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow
“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson
“A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.” -Unknown
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
-Rodney Dangerfield
More Funny Marriage Quotes
Enjoyed the funny quotes, jokes, and sayings above? Then you are also going to enjoy these new and updated famous quotes about marriage and family from funny famous people. Enjoy!
“Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.”
-Maryon Pearson
“They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” -Mae West
“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.” -H.L. Mencken
“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” -Rodney Dangerfield
“No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.” -H.L. Mencken
“A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.” -Grace Hansen
My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.
— Michael Caine (Alfie, 1966)
All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
— Dennis Leary
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
— Carrie Snow
The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
— Unknown
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
— Mickey Rooney
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
— Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)
Ogden Nash
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.
Bill Cosby
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
Patrick Murray
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
Gloria Steinem
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
— Rita Rudner
In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
— Margaret Thatcher
Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.
— Dick Van Dyke
For me there are only two type of women: goddesses and doormats.
— Pablo Picasso
All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.
— Miguel De Cervantes
Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
— Marcel Achard
Women: Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
— Sean Williamson
A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.
— Gloria Steinem
You don’t know a women till you’ve met her in court.
— Norman Mailer
More Funny Marriage Quotes
Enjoyed the funny quotes, jokes, and sayings above? Then you are also going to enjoy these new and updated famous quotes about marriage from funny famous people. Enjoy!
“If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.”
-Lawrence Housman
“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.” -Marion Smith
“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” -Barbra Streisand
“My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they’ll never get all the pennies out of the pot.” -Armistead Maupin
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” -Erma Bombeck
“I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.” -Lewis Grizzard
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” -James Holt McGavran
Agatha Christie
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Milton Berle
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Henry Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Joyce Brothers
My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.
Homer
There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.
Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Ogden Nash
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.
Lord Byron
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Katharine Hepburn
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead… get married.
Joyce Brothers
Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.
George Lichtenberg
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.”
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
